miming in the dark to the blind

there could be an easy reason for gravitating toward writing
to a small group of most faceless people i'll never meet.
it at least gives me the power to care less about who i'm writing to
and how many aren't going to care about reading it.

if i ever wanted to say great things and make an impact with someone,
i'd have two choices:
1. either i'd have to be a complete genius that no one is,
with the guts and arrogance to understand that everyone else
isn't saying anything meaningful or worthwhile,
as i choke silently about it and say my cute and clever words that inspire everybody or
2. i'd get lucky that it found the right person, someone else
who was actually a genius and raved about my words to the point
where everyone had to read them,
and suddenly played pawn to needing to hear them (like keruac).

the internet gives no easy stage for either of these.
we're a room crowded with mimes in the dark,
flapping our arms to the blind hoping someone will catch our signals,
our entertaining s.o.s. with fluttered hearts.
we think it means something to us,
but meanwhile we arm ourselves with butter knives
on the real visible dangerous streets,
flagging down our attackers for directions to the mall
to buy the newest gps or cell phone.

p.s. this all sounded better at 5:30 a.m. while i was in my bed
tossing and unable to sleep.

(no subject)

i always used to say
that i could never listen to any music without drums,
because i need a beat that can drive the song through
to understand where it's going.

lately i've been listening to some music
without drums.

you could say that maybe i've grown into a world
where i don't need things to drive me
in order to pay attention.

i think instead if i heard drums too much
it would remind me that not playing them
is killing me too much
to live through.

set to zero

i can't say i'm 100% back,
but i'm close.
in fact, i can't say i'll ever be as active as i once was,
but it could be eventually close.

i lost a voice at some point,
almost purposely,
and it is my intent to win it back.
i'll go into details later,
but in short, the last year and a half has been a losing battle for my ego,
and if i'm not going to win it back completely,
i am at least going to do things that once gave me clarity.
this place lost strength with me years ago
based on the loss of anonymity.
i started out with very few friends,
very few who read it.
i liked it liked that; i never knew who was reading it,
or how many.
then my real friends found it,
and i found me being less, well me.
i started performing, as i often do.
being mr. funny.
i like that side of me,
and that side will always partly be here,
but there's another side that i had to shove away,

and i need to bring him back.
Mike Richards (Kramer)

(no subject)

man, i'm definitely getting a business sense of wisdom
as i grow older.
i'm on a big conference call with legal
about our credit card application,
and for some reason i had the urge to press the mute button on my phone.

suddenly and uncontrollably,
a large foul belch erupted from me,
but no one heard how awesome it was but me.

man, i'm awesome.

go flyers.

(no subject)

I forgot how much I've been enjoying the public banning of smoking everywhere.
Here in NY, I don't have many friends that smoke,
but last night we went to a party where everyone was smoking.
It never used to bother me in Philly,
as all of my friends smoked and I was used to it,
but boy did it get me last night.
I was choking all night,
and today my eyes smell like smoke.
How do you do that?
I feel hungover, though I don't drink.
I each their own; this isn't a judgement,
but boy howdy that part of it wasn't fun.

(no subject)

I really ought to update this thing,
because my life has changed pretty drastically.

So let's cover the quick basics so I can finish my thought
and make a slight,
my intended reason for this post.

Ashley's going to grad school at Syracuse University
for Documentary Film and History.
I work at home, still with National City Bank...
well, until recently, when the bank was bought by PNC.
I thought it was a clear cut case, and I'd be gone after the merger passed.
I am not.
Still here, and likely am not going to be cut
until way after Ashley's program is over (May),
and will I have time to find a job wherever we're going (likely NYC)
while still employed.

So I've been bored without work for almost 2 months
(got a Wii to pass the time...Lego Star Wars Saga rules),
until today,
when PNC FINALLY got some work over to me to do.
While I've been working on the PNC designs,
I can't get the Imperial Theme out of my head.
Is it Wii on the brain,
or is my brain telling me something?